10:28 am. At work. A customer hasn’t arrived yet — I was about to write something that came to me in the shower this morning, but something more important surfaced, so I’ll write this first.

If you’re going to change — whether it’s taken 30 years or 50 — kill your old self completely. Do it all at once. That’s the level of intensity it requires. Finish it in one go. If you’re going to change, change all at once. Keep going.

What does this mean? Everything inside you — imitated like a monkey from others, from the environment, absorbed from external stimulation, internalized, copied, assimilated — if you’re going to change it, erase it all at once. Don’t allow it. Not once. Strictly. Whether your brain is bored or restless — never let these things surface again. Even without a special purpose, even without particular intention — if you want to erase, erase it completely. Finish it. Even if you become lonely. Even if you can no longer comfort yourself. Do it all at once. There is no other path anyway. Even if you are misunderstood by all, even if there are unresolved relationships right now — just end it. Erase it strictly. Your own —

(Here, doubt creeps in as I write. Can I really do this? You don’t have to change every habit at once — but the one habit you’ve chosen to change, do that one completely. Is this compromise? Is this my defense mechanism? Do I not actually want to do it all at once…? Chaos again.)

— habits. Forever.

Writing this, a poem suddenly comes to mind.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

Charles Bukowski – Roll the Dice