All wrong questions.

What is the truth? What do I want? Who am I? Who are you? Wrong.

Why was I born? Why am I here? Where am I? What went wrong? What should I do? What is real? Wrong.

All of it. Wrong questions.

What is the right question? There is no right question… No more questions…

Seeing. Hearing. Smelling. Tasting. Feeling. Noticing. Intending. Moving. Breathing. All arising on their own — nothing added.

realized moment by moment.

Monday morning. Woke up feeling slightly comfortable with the uncomfortable — but.

Usually on weekends I waste time. Computer, games, porn, something. But this Sunday, playing games felt flat — like dopamine had simply stopped. Just tedious. So I went to my room, lay down, and stayed still. Literally still. Leaning, doing nothing. Strangely, the usual flood of thoughts didn’t come. Just a strange feeling — and with it, I stayed. Then drifted into a nap. Woke up, went to the computer a little, felt it again — that same thing — so I lay back down. And slept again. I don’t know what any of it means.

One more thing. Around 11am, I stepped out of the shower and something strange happened. A vague awareness — as if I drew a circle about 2 meters around myself, and I became one with that space. Not swept away by it. Just — present with it. That 2-meter space and me, together, as it was. Quiet. The closest thing I can compare it to, looking back now, is the final silent moment in the F1 movie. But that feels forced. Never mind.

Today, waking up, the usual flood of thoughts — but slightly different. If fifty thoughts usually rise, maybe two to five were noticed before disappearing. Got up, washed. I believe my scalp is healthy, so I skipped shampoo today. After the shower, while blow-drying my hair, thoughts started surging again — about three rose, I noticed them, and they were gone.

Walked to work. Usually about 40 minutes on foot. Along the way, I traced back what I thought I understood yesterday.

There is no observer in life. No one watching me. No one observing me. All of it — illusion. The observer and the observed do not exist. At least not in our own perception and thought. No one is watching. Not even you yourself. The very concept of observation never existed to begin with.

What this means — again, I don’t know, And Maybe Don’t Need To

To end the endless stream of thoughts, I try to end it — infinitely. But this is just grasping at the result, trying to erase it. The cause must be found. And yet — even the search for the cause is a thought.

Dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction seems connected to thought and action.
What is dissatisfaction?

If satisfied —
Satisfaction.
It is satisfaction.

But observing as the observer — this seems far from truth.

The thing itself. And satisfaction.

Not understanding — love.
The only way to express love is through understanding.
It seems difficult.

And yet, it exists as one.
Satisfaction.

Is gratitude even necessary?

All of it — just separation, held together by the observer’s perspective.

The observer has disappeared.

Now — I know nothing.

“To exist in conviction.”

7:40 PM. The desire I wrote about earlier — I never observed it. Served customers, an old friend stopped by, we talked, spent some time together, then I came home. I tried to sit at the computer like the old pattern, but nothing pulled me toward it. So I made an excuse, lay down, scrolled my phone — and even that felt like too much. So now I’m lying here, writing again.

Leaning slightly against the wall. The sun is going down somewhere behind the clouds — the sky is a mix of grey and blue. Two small insects on the mosquito net, moving slowly, stopping, moving again. Are they trying to get out? Do they have any intention at all? Do insects have intention? Or just instinct? Maybe I should open the net so they can leave…

I opened it. Closed it again. One got out. The other — not sure.

A space to lean back and lie down. Just being able to write, and writing. Without forcing it.

Now — with intention — desire again. Close my eyes. Look inward one more time…

In this early morning, I write it down. Today’s only purpose: watch myself, monitor myself, without judging.

11:38am. Nothing to do at work — just sitting, waiting for customers. So I read. A book I started three days ago: The Well-Lived Life by Gladys McGarey. A passage from two days ago comes back to me:

“Close your eyes for a moment. Allow yourself to feel desire — whatever you want for yourself and your life. Wish for it earnestly. The words you’ve been too afraid to say to someone. The job you thought you’d never have. The laughter and the friends you miss. Even a piece of fine chocolate. Just feel the desire.”

And then, the next passage:

“Now that you know what your desire is — feel the life force it stirs. It may not feel strong yet. Eyes open or closed, find a comfortable position and breathe deeply. Answer yourself honestly: what is your reason for continuing to live right now? Even something small — if there is anything that brings you joy, be grateful for it. That gratitude will give you the courage you need to keep going.

How much life force am I living with right now? Do I need more? Where do I need to go — or what do I need to do — to feel truly alive?”

If monitoring is the passive goal, this is the active one. Today’s to-do list: exactly two things. Only these two. Starting now.


See you on the other side of it.

A very brief moment — a thought surfaced, then my phone vibrated. I looked, and it was gone. It was only 30 seconds ago, so recalling it now, it comes back.

Words. Some words.

Nothing to do for feeling something. It is just the way it is. All things keep changing, permanently — but that is simply how it is. That is the way of life. Nothing to attach to. But maybe — maybe — this feeling (I say maybe because, if measured, it exists only for the briefest instant, in the slightest degree) — enjoying the moment…?

Can I control this feeling? If I want to stay in this state, can I? I need to try.

Is this the middle way…? Right now, what it’s called doesn’t matter. What matters more is …………….. no. Nothing. Shhhh…..

Because there was nothing to do, I lay down — and fell asleep. Woke up at 9:30am. Body stuck to the floor (sloth and torpor, as Master Shi Heng Yi calls it). Pinned under that familiar morning weight, another thought forms in my head: if I’m lying down and I sit up, I adjust. If I stand, I adjust to standing. If I walk, I walk. If I run, I run. No real difference — you just adapt. So I sat up. Then stood. Showered and came out.

The sun was blazing today, not a single cloud. So I walked. On the way to work, I passed the river and kept walking. At a construction site, a worker was directing foot traffic — maybe the same one as yesterday, not sure — but a nod came out naturally. I wondered whether he felt something good from that nod. The thought passed immediately.

Walking, I tried to hold two things at once: being the whole while being a part, being a part while being the whole, being everything while being nothing, being nothing while being everything — two things always coexisting. Sitting with that imagination, I arrived without noticing.

Afternoon, light work, nothing special. So — monitoring again today. But a thought surfaces: if everything truly disappears, even the noise of the mind — would it even be possible to describe what comes after? What would life become? Is that even the right question to ask?

A few traumatic, repetitive thoughts surface — a few times a day, as always. I handle them a little better than before. Same as any other day, some habitual, hostile thoughts came up this morning. But they passed easily. If you have thoughts that rise painfully every day, here are a few things worth jotting down.

First. Notice it. A thought has appeared — don’t identify with it. You are the observer watching the thought arise. You ≠ the thought. Getting comfortable with this first step requires continuous self-training. There’s no other way.

Second. Know that it will pass — in just a few minutes, if you don’t hold on to it. Once you know it will naturally disappear, you stop clinging. This isn’t easy either. It might be harder than quitting cigarettes or alcohol — and I say that having quit smoking after 15 years and quit drinking daily after 10. This is harder. Personally.

Third. What happened in the past — however much it still affects you now — that’s the extent of it. If you keep grabbing at it mentally, turning it over and over, it will further paralyze your body and nervous system until you can’t function normally. You already know this better than anyone. So — as unbearable as it feels, do the first, then the second. It gets easier.

These thoughts don’t disappear overnight. Your condition will naturally be rough. Factor that in. This is getting too long — I’ll write more if the opportunity comes. I’m not sure this kind of writing even belongs here. I’m supposed to be writing my own raw thoughts, and here I am pretending to give tips again. Enough.

When I stepped outside to walk, after just 2 or 3 minutes, I noticed something — I was forcing the writing. Knowing someone might read it was throwing me off. From now on, whatever happens, first rule: write raw. As it is.

A little further, there was a river. The sky turning faintly blue before dawn, the sun not yet visible. I ran about 20 meters without thinking. Back and forth, maybe 60. Then 80 more, without thinking. Birds were calling. Within 100 meters, more than 30 trees — at least 20 birds living in them, by my count. Right or wrong, I only actually heard them for about 2 seconds. Then I moved again. One or two runners passed. An elderly person was walking nearby.

On the way back, the thought came — now what? But just like before, I let it go without deciding anything. Not quite a resolution. Just… letting it pass.

Losing weight, exercising, dieting, living healthy — there are many things. But the efficient path, they say: heart rate 110 — lightly out of breath, still able to talk — sustained for 30 minutes. Unless you have a specific goal, pushing hard from the start never lasts. I’ve tried it occasionally. It always stopped. If you’re someone lazy trying to get maximum results from minimum effort — just walk fast for 30 minutes. That’s enough. Probably. But why am I even writing this. Too many words again.

Back home, nothing to do, so I wrote this. 4 hours until work. Now what. What should I do. What do I do. For some reason I’ve been drinking a lot of water the past 2 or 3 days. Bottled in plastic though. Microplastics everywhere, I hear — worry about it if you want.

Mm. Mm. Mm…..