3:30. The sun goes down slowly. And I feel something — I want to let go of myself. To flow with a very slow, low frequency. To make myself a low frequency flow state. Not high. Not fast. Low. Is that right? I am not sure. But — try this way.

Receive the karma you have built, as it is. And do not cling to it. This is ancient Asian teaching.

I started this with the goal of writing 1000 pieces — but I may stop at around 12, just like everything else I’ve done until now. Crisis. Being in crisis. Defending. Inside. Speak. What makes me speak? Because when I speak, my brain feels a dynamic dopaminergic cyclic system. Why — maybe relationship. Reacting with circumstance. Then what I really want is to react with circumstance? Is my dream, my meaning, all just for reacting with circumstance? Not only, but partially? Reacting with circumstance — I think this is the best of my skills right now. But not really. I react how I want. Not how they want. Complicated. Not ordered.

Fucking sensual desire — dead. Sensual desire, dead. If sensual desire disappears, sense remains present — it never disappears, because it is always in the world. But desire is always inside. Inside ourselves. If we could be free from sensual desire — then what? What happens? Nothing happens?

What I speak, what I think, what I say, what I feel — all separated. Sometimes. My old bad habits, like games or watching porn, are among the few moments where all focus comes together. But there is one thing that is never together: intention, consciousness, a unified mind. Can I always feel this? How do I always stay in a state of unity? How do I simply be? Can I cut all the chains of my unsynchronicity and become one? And is it even meaningful? What is the wall I am standing in front of?

Sensual desires. I first heard this word from Master Shi Heng Yi of the European Shaolin Temple. But I feel that sensual desires live in my unconscious mind. They control me. And I also see — without needing to convince myself — that others are the same. At this point, I am not sure how many people suffer from sensual desires without even noticing. But I am convinced: the unconscious of people is attached to sensual desires that stay in the unconscious mind, and they control us.

First pattern: carried along by yesterday’s pattern. What is that pattern? Go to work. Work driven by sensual desire. Speak without noticing. Think whatever pops up — games, other people’s SNS, shorts. Some words spoken from sensual desire too — wanting warmth, wanting to be accepted by others, maybe. Come back home. Just sit. Time passing. Sleep reluctantly. Wake up in the morning without purpose. And.

Now, a pattern happening right now: I prepared cup noodles — not from my own wanting. Someone else said cup noodles, so I did it. Boiled water, put it in. Why. If I were sitting here alone, it would never have happened. But another person did it. And it affected me.

Pattern. The first thing is to notice all my patterns — perfectly. All of them. But what for? From what perspective does it matter? I don’t understand yet. But I will know when I see them all. Myself. Maybe. So for now, just scan: yesterday’s pattern, thought pattern, feeling pattern, talking pattern, moving pattern. Do I need to know where they came from? I’m not sure. No — not now. If knowing the origin matters, that comes later. Now, focus on one thing only: watching the pattern. And writing it down, honestly, to the world.

It is not necessary to close your eyes or take a deep breath. Inside my head, inside my sternum — it feels twisted. Others around me have no influence on me; they simply move, like falling leaves, like new buds breaking through. What influences me is the pattern within me. My pattern. The pattern of my body — neurological pattern, system, belief. All of my pattern.

Selfish — when I lose control of myself, projection just begins. And it never stops. Control and focus must stay on myself; if not, I mess up, I fuck up my circumstance, and I become filled with what Steve Jobs called the unimportant things. Now, I end this fight. Focus, focus, focus — into myself. Whatever circumstance does, just stay inside myself. It’s a hard thing, but.