Category: Raw brain

Monday morning. Woke up feeling slightly comfortable with the uncomfortable — but. Usually on weekends I waste time. Computer, games, porn, something. But this Sunday, playing games felt flat — like dopamine had simply stopped. Just tedious. So I went to my room, lay down, and stayed still. Literally still. Leaning, doing nothing. Strangely, the… — read more

To end the endless stream of thoughts, I try to end it — infinitely. But this is just grasping at the result, trying to erase it. The cause must be found. And yet — even the search for the cause is a thought. Dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction seems connected to thought and action.What is dissatisfaction? If satisfied… — read more

“To exist in conviction.” — read more

7:40 PM. The desire I wrote about earlier — I never observed it. Served customers, an old friend stopped by, we talked, spent some time together, then I came home. I tried to sit at the computer like the old pattern, but nothing pulled me toward it. So I made an excuse, lay down, scrolled… — read more

In this early morning, I write it down. Today’s only purpose: watch myself, monitor myself, without judging. 11:38am. Nothing to do at work — just sitting, waiting for customers. So I read. A book I started three days ago: The Well-Lived Life by Gladys McGarey. A passage from two days ago comes back to me:… — read more

A very brief moment — a thought surfaced, then my phone vibrated. I looked, and it was gone. It was only 30 seconds ago, so recalling it now, it comes back. Words. Some words. Nothing to do for feeling something. It is just the way it is. All things keep changing, permanently — but that… — read more

Because there was nothing to do, I lay down — and fell asleep. Woke up at 9:30am. Body stuck to the floor (sloth and torpor, as Master Shi Heng Yi calls it). Pinned under that familiar morning weight, another thought forms in my head: if I’m lying down and I sit up, I adjust. If… — read more

A few traumatic, repetitive thoughts surface — a few times a day, as always. I handle them a little better than before. Same as any other day, some habitual, hostile thoughts came up this morning. But they passed easily. If you have thoughts that rise painfully every day, here are a few things worth jotting… — read more

When I stepped outside to walk, after just 2 or 3 minutes, I noticed something — I was forcing the writing. Knowing someone might read it was throwing me off. From now on, whatever happens, first rule: write raw. As it is. A little further, there was a river. The sky turning faintly blue before… — read more

Of course — I decided to walk, and here I am, 10 minutes later, doing something else entirely. Why is this so natural to me, to this body? How many years has this pattern been building? Does it even matter how many years? Is there anything important right now? Maybe just going out will show… — read more